Left handed

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Today we did a little off the chart art therapy. On the right hand we symbolized our past. On the left, our future. I will not bore you with my past because it is a special story. One that I feel like I can share with a few select people that I trust and love. Who love me and care about my story. As someone once told me, “not everyone appreciates you”, and they were right. However, my future hand is full of comfort and love. One that I decided would represent a woman, a wife, a mother. Protecting her children and loving her husband. Bedtime stories, healing, love and fingers that wipe away tears, who washes and holds precious babies. I cannot wait for that, but I would not have discovered that is how I see my future without my past hand. I hate that. I hate that it is how that happened, but now that it did, I am glad.

I just want to say that everyone heals in their own way. I fully support these professions and those who choose to be involved with these sessions. I went through therapy for seven months straight after a few events and I have been on and off for a year and a half now. I share this because I want anyone out there struggling to know that it is ok. That you do not ever let anyone tell you 1. How to heal and 2. when to heal. If there is anyone in your life not loving you through it, walk away right now. No one not dealing with it will not understand but that is the difference in those who try to understand and support you. Find people who love you and support your heart and your life. Find people who appreciate you. People who remind you of these things often.

 

13 Reasons Why: All you really have is now.

So a lot of people watched “13 Reasons Why”.

I have read so many reviews. Mainly from people who either have never struggled with the things portrayed on the showed (depression, anxiety, suicide, etc.) or they have never gone through some of the experiences these characters did (self-harm, harassment, rape, etc).

I watched 13 Reasons Why. I watched it and I hated every minute of this show. But I kept watching until the end because I wanted to see everything that was happening. I honestly skipped through some parts because I couldn’t watch, and I also felt “weird” after every episode. I felt dirty, ashamed. Because even I was annoyed and mad at Hannah Baker.

I felt like so many things in this show were so dramatized that it just missed the point. Many things were also unrealistic to the max. Halfway through I felt like I was watching, what I thought was a show to bring awareness to these issues, a want to be Pretty Little Liars series or a really bad remake of “the perks of being a wallflower” (which if you ask me got it more right than this show ever will). It went from seeing how the world would raise awareness to feeling like I was watching a show for some sick entertainment with some subpar acting.

People are saying if you teenagers are watching this, to watch it with them; but I don’t think that will help, because even adults right now have no idea about the issues on this show because this may be the first time that they have been aware of them or seen them (which is SAD). Teach your children yourself. Get educated from research, professionals (who also advise against this show), and accredited websites with information on these issues. Don’t learn this stuff from Netflix. And in all honesty, talk to a friend you know is struggling with these things or has been through any of this. I promise most of them will be willing to share; I will. I will gladly share with you if it helps you understand or help you. This has been a book for a while that no one knew about or even wanted to read, until it became a free entertainment show on Netflix to watch in your free time. For people to talk about for a couple of months and then to continue on with their lives, only for Hannah Baker to fade once again while we all move on to the next show we become fascinated with.

Like I said, even after I watched it, as a twenty two year old, it made me feel weird. I wasn’t able to watch them all at the same time. This show for me, as a young adult, did me no good. As someone who has struggled with the very things in this show and have gone through similar experiences as some of these characters I am disappointed. When you hear people say, “this is what I wish people knew about what I am going through or the feelings I am dealing with”, none of them in the show are what those are what people struggling with these things want you to know. Hannah Baker is called a victim but also this role was so blurry to even myself. I actually got mad at her, her friends, and sometimes rolled my eyes at some of the outrageous things being played out. Then, I thought, “do people hate me too, like they hate her?”. I thought, “I’ve experienced some of these things and now people will think they ‘know about me’, too.. and they don’t. This hurt me. It broke my heart. Made me have feelings of shame and doubt. It made my insecurities pour out of me. This show brought up many things I thought were starting to be healed inside of me that are now at the forefront of my mind that are apparently not. It left me with a heart full of feelings and hurt with nowhere to go with it, to be alone and relive it.

I wish the media did better. For everyone’s sake. We can do better.

Dear ‘someday daughter’,

 

Dear ‘my someday daughter’,

It took me a while to realize just how much I wanted you. It took a lot of praying, so many tears and hard questions. Most importantly it has taken me a whole lot of forgiveness. I used to rant on about how I did not want to get married and I did not want to have children. I am so sorry… I was wrong. I was burnt along the way. I was hurt by the people who should have been protecting me and loving me and just weren’t. I was not able to trust people. I have not allowed myself to be loved like I deserve to be loved when I was little girl and now as I’m a young woman. I was scared. I was scared to think about you. I have been scared to think about making the same mistakes my parents may have made. Scared that I have the capability to be a good mother and let you down or cause you emotional hurt. To let you grow up with a hole in your heart where my love should have been and just was not there. I want you to grow up better than I did. I was scared my cold heart would not be able to give you enough love that you deserve.

I am so sorry because I was utterly wrong.

You see, after these years with my heart full of hurt and failure and fear of being a mother to a little baby girl (or boy, hey, I’m not picky) that I did not even think that I wanted to have these feelings are starting to change. Do not get me wrong… motherhood seems scary and hard but it seems worth it. My doubt had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. I know that when I am your mom I will probably mess some things up. I may be too hard on you in a moment or wish I could have handled something better. But I know now that if anything I have gone through in this life has taught me it is that kind of mother I do want to be to you. That I want to love every part of you with every part of me. And as for my cold heart… you have already started to melt it.  I want you to know right now that I already love you. I want you to know that when you pick a sport to play I will be your number one fan. I want you to know that if you pick an instrument you will stick with it- not because I do not want you to be a quitter but because I will believe in you so much that you will believe in yourself, too. I want you to know that pretty dresses are not everything because I will know the girl beneath those dresses. I want you to know that I will teach you how to cook (whenever I figure it out myself) even if we just stay up baking cookies all night. I want you to know that you will have siblings and some of them may be from different countries and look different than you- because you will be surrounded by best friends to grow up with. I want you to know that whenever I am annoying you with my picture taking it is because I do not want to miss a single moment of you. I want to teach you love and compassion. I want to teach you forgiveness because it was hard for me to learn. I want to show you how to love your daddy and I want you to see how he loves a woman. I want you to know that whatever you want to be for Halloween is what you will be… even if it is a cheerleader or kitty cat or maybe even a super hero for four Halloween’s in a row. I want you to know I will be behind you when you try something scary and that I will always wipe your tears and hold you close when your friends turn their backs. I will remind you how precious and important you are and who God made you to be. I want you to know that we will go to the zoo a million times if that is what it takes to see the elephants and giraffes because you will want to see them over and over again. I will teach you about the very God that I love and try to be the best example of Christ that I can, but forgive me because I will never be perfect. I want you to remember to stand up for what you believe in and always be kind. I want you to know that I am your mother and not your best friend because I have your best interest in mind- and that one day when you are grown I will become your best friend. I want you to know that it is okay to cry and do not let anyone tell you anything different. You are not weak. I want you to know that my arms are a safe place to you and that you will have arms to tuck into. I also selfishly hope that you get my green eyes but I will love your beautiful eyes no matter what color they are.

I need you to know that when you need me I will be there. I need you to know that you are here for a purpose and you are never a mistake. You will never, ever be a mistake that I would have to live with. You will be a plan I want to live for. I need you to know that when you do not need me I will be there from a distance waiting for your call. I need you to know how beautiful and important and loved you are because I too often forgot that I was and you deserve better than that. I need you to know that you can be smart and do what you set your mind to and I will be your support. I need you to know that you will never have to doubt if I love you. You will never have to doubt if you are wanted. I want to teach you a million things and learn from you a million more.

Dear ‘someday daughter’, please know that I think about you so often. I am still so sorry it took me this long to realize how important you already are to me. How much I already love you and always have. And one day, maybe you will read this- and maybe you won’t. Please just know I love you and that I cannot wait to meet you one day so I can love you even more. Each day with you will be my new favorite day.

I used to want a choice but now I realize there could never be a choice.

Love, ‘your someday mommy’